21 Nov she’s a very kinky girl

Have you ever asked yourself why Rick James couldn’t bring his girl home to mother?  Honestly, I hadn’t given it much thought until today.  I assumed that his girl’s proclivity for kink made her unacceptable in some form or fashion to Rick’s mom.  Me?  I have always been of the opinion that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business and alternative relationships were perfectly acceptable.  Except, well, I have to admit to feeling some discomfort on the topic.

This evening, as one part of my multicultural counseling project, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone and attended a peer group meeting on kink.  I was extremely nervous heading into the meeting.  I had no idea what to expect or if I would be the only one to show up.  But, the advertisement for the meeting invited everyone who was curious.  And, hey, if I am anything, I am curious.  When I walked into the meeting, there was a sign in sheet.  Hmmm….  There was no turning back now.  I put pen to paper, scratched out my first name (my real one), my sex (biology people), and my age (don’t ask).  The first thing I noticed was that I was demonstrably older than most of the initial attendees on the list.

I want to protect the anonymity of those in the meeting and what they shared.  So, I won’t be saying too much about particular discussions.  Needless to say, there was some mention of acts which my not so puritanical self believed could not be consented to under the law.  Uh, but I wasn’t there as a lawyer or prosecutor.  Instead, I chose to (mostly) listen with an open mind.  However, and I mean this with as least offense as possible, I felt like I was sitting around the King’s Table at the Renaissance Festival.  At least, that was the story I kept telling myself.  No matter how hard I tried to be receptive, I had a difficult time shaking my own preconceived notions and judgments of those around me.

At one point in the meeting, I looked around at the group intentionally.  I counted 25 people including myself.  There was essentially an even division among men and women.  The group was also fairly diverse racially.  There was some discussion about bisexuality, but no explicit discussion about homosexuality.  And then, it struck me.  While these people lived “alternative” lifestyles, they were concerned about their community and developing stable relationships which brought them pleasure – and pain.  They had jobs.  They had kids.  They loved their families.  Who was I to judge?

The topic of the meeting was the intersection between kink and polyamory.  Polyamory, for those of you who don’t know, is the practice of having committed emotional relationships with more than one partner.  Those relationships need not always be sexual, but they are ALWAYS consensual.  Toward the end of the meeting, I swallowed the frog in my throat and raised my hand.  I told the group I was not polyamorous (I have a difficult enough time with one relationship_ and wanted to know what misconceptions they faced from the public about their chosen lifestyles.  The answers?

We are sluts.

Orgies!

We fear commitment.

Orgies!

We have no morals or ethics.

Orgies!

We are always DTF (Google it, Mom).

Orgies!

We are only in it for the sex.

Orgies!

We are all into BDSM (Mom, that’s 50 Shades of Gray).

Orgies!

I felt a little disheartened when listening to the participants list the misconceptions about their lifestyle.  Fortunately, the discussion about polyamory is becoming more open.  Yes, that pun was intended.  If you are interested in reading mainstream material, Rolling Stone did a recent article on the subject of polyamory which you can read here.  Or, you can head on over to polyweekly.com which was mentioned at the meeting as a great resource.

I love you guys.  All of you.  Thanks for reading.